Healing Retrospection: When Romantic Love Ends
This go-round of love was different for me, so I'll start there. We met and clicked instantly; that’s usually how it goes for me; it’s instant or nonexistent. I formerly thought that was the problem, but I have grown to learn that my viewpoint on love and romantic relationships have never been what I've seen modeled around me. I have been building this pathway with each partner and have learned more and more about how I want love to look like for me; each lover has brought me closer to that. The ex I'm writing about hurt me pretty deeply because they contained so much of what I wanted and I thought I wouldn’t receive from my partners; I asked for him. When I turned thirty, I began to ritualistically request what I wanted in my partners based on my current need; sometimes, it was money, great sex, and stability; this time, I asked for someone I could safely be vulnerable with, and I got that. That was extremely important to me; I have had lovers who thought I didn’t need softness or space to open up because of my strength. I wasn’t worth the labor, or at least that’s how they made me feel. I had never felt emotionally safe with a partner until I met him.
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I will express my perception of love and connection to understand how my healing happened. Society has taught me to think the things I want romantically aren’t attainable because I don’t prioritize marriage and children as the goal; it doesn’t fit into my ethical nonmonogamous life. I love romantic partnerships but don’t place them high on my priority list for my overall happiness. I don’t believe in the “one”; I believe in many; I have more than one romantic soulmate, some will be long-lasting, and some may be quick, but others are here for me to learn. The biggest thing is I belong to no one, and no one belongs to me. We share space and time until someone decides not to. My love has conditions, and I agree love requires work, but that work is still fulfilling, nourishing, and filled with care. I want my lovers to wake up and choose me every day, and I choose them. The idea of being stuck and tied together by need isn’t appealing to me at all. Everything movies and television have told us about romantic love is the complete opposite of anything I want in my life.
I will keep how we ended between friends, family, and my therapist, but I will share that it ended badly and put me on one of the most emotional roller coasters I have ever been on at a relationship ending. The bulk of that relationship was during the height of a global pandemic, so it lived in isolation; it was also the most monogamish I have ever been. I wasn’t going out and meeting new people, the risk was a bit too high to have more than one lover, and when I met him, that was the first time in YEARS I was 100% single, so I didn’t have any partners beforehand. I have never had just one lover, EVER, so this was very different for me. I hadn’t realized how essential a built-in community is for me, even with romantic love. Having a community of lovers and not solely depending on relational love from one person to another has been the safest way for me to explore and love the way I want. This has also been how I have dealt with my abandonment issues. I generally have abrupt endings to my relationships; I cut the person out of my life and literally never see them again. Im used to it being that way and have always had a community of lovers to ease the pain of that perceived abandonment.
While going through heartbreak, I note many things I’d love to share. I cultivated romantic love to exist precisely how I wanted it. I didn’t hold back and was fully in. I typically compartmentalize and hold back a portion of myself. We have been taught that we lose ourselves in romantic love, so I would always save some of myself just for me, in glass, ready to break her out for emergencies to remind me I am still that bitch. I didn’t need her this time, and I never lost myself cause I stayed true to my idea of love. I kept my boundaries. I had conditions, advocated for myself, and didn’t negotiate my needs. I was fully vulnerable and honest about all my feelings, even the corny mushy ones. So when it ended, although deeply hurt, I had no regrets. I didn’t look back with shoulda, woulda, coulda. I did not leave the relationship hating any of my decisions cause I did a damn good job in that relationship. Most importantly, I didn’t let my ego drive my actions into playing games or keeping it cool. 20-year-old me would be so proud!
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I have learned so much from womanist politics, which helped me get through this time. Community is a fantastic thing; I learned to lean into them for so much, and Im sure that's how I got through this. Since this was my first time existing monogamishly, I didn’t have the community of lovers im used to to aid me through heartbreak, so I leaned on friends and family, and it was the best decision I ever made. I am never this vulnerable with my friends and family; now I realize it’s because I never thought anyone would hold space for me in this way. I somehow convinced myself no one cared about my feelings enough to do so. I have also spent my life solving my problems and dealing with my issues in isolation, and presenting to everyone that I was okay. The narratives we create for ourselves are a whole ass bitch, and I grateful therapy helped me unpack that. I really thought I was an unloved bitch. Can you imagine!!!
Healing has brought me to realize that I have always been loved deeply. That there are people in this lifetime who care about my well-being and don’t want me harmed. Who will go for bat for me just as hard as I will for them. They have always been here, and I somehow neglected to realize their capability and have continuously failed to tap into the support system I intentionally chose. I am surrounded by many who feed my soul, but something made me believe I didn’t deserve communal care. Me, at this big age, who is always emphasizing the need for community and community care, did not put into practice what my politic has taught me. I am not a huge believer in pain leading you to the light; I think lessons can be learned in happiness too, but if heartbreak were needed to realize I am a part of the most loving, caring, and nurturing community, I’d take it.
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