I May Destroy You Is Lowkey Destroying Us
Content warning for subject matter containing rape, sexual assault, and sexual manipulation .
This is a spoiler free review.
I May Destroy You is the latest television creation on HBO by Michaela Coel (many of us may know her from her popping television series Chewing Gum). I May Destroy You is a story set in London that centers Arabella (Michaela Coel), a carefree, confident, writer, with a crew of carefree friends as well. In the first episode, her drink is spiked and we see everything fall apart and watch as she tries to put all the pieces back together. I have never in my life seen a Black girl story told in this way, and didn't know I even wanted it until it was on my television screen.
As I watch Arrabella do all the carefree things I once lived prominently in my twenties and have allowed to spill over in my thirties more subtly, I can't help but feel exposed and lowkey destroyed myself. All the drugs, sex, and spontaneity are parts of myself I've never seen on-screen connected to a Black woman in a fun way (this is usually presented on screen as destructive and reductive behavior ) helps me feel a little less alone. Usually this kind of Care Free Black Girl, typically is not allowed to exist in jest. When you live with this amount of airy flow in the world, you become a target of blame for all harm that comes your way. So, as I watch Arabella meet so much sexual harm I get fearful, uncomfortable, and angry. ‘Cause I know what happens to women like her, women like me.
Like many people watching, I fight with whether or not I can continue the series, as I see multiple bouts of rape, sexual assault, and sexual manipulation bounce around on my television. Sexual assault is plentiful like that, no discretion, very inclusive because anyone at any time can get it. This series doesn't tiptoe at all around this, shit is real and raw, then moves on to the next part of life quickly in ways that cut me but also force me to recover as we navigate the scenes in each episode. When do Black women get the space to heal, and mourn the harm done to us? Is this even allowed? Arabella and her friends, Terry and Kwamee make many of us go into memories we filed away and moved on from because we are not allowed to process what happens to us and we are not given the space to heal afterward. I'm watching, and thinking, "how dare you make me think of that shit.” “I made myself forget about that “ or I created a different narrative for endurance purposes ‘cause when does a bitch even have time to deal with this? Michaela girl, who said you can do that to me?
As I write this I have only watched up to episode 6, and I have many fears for all the characters, because, who advocates and loves the imperfect victim? The person that cruises dating apps in search of sexual gratification? The person whose paths to happiness don't fit the structures and goal posts that say you are a valuable contributor to the world. We are usually just the fun that people love to live vicariously through, then are discarded when it's time to be an adult. It makes me anxious thinking about how this story is going to end.
Important work is happening through Michaela's storylines. I see people around me learning new ideas surrounding consent, and revisiting those fuzzy times in their lives when they knew harm happened but because rape has also been revealed to us as a very specific crime that doesn't allow space for nuance, many of us don't know that we are survivors of it. So far all of the perpetrators of rape, sexual assault, and sexual manipulation have been men, and the folks on the receiving end of harm have been folks who present as men and women. The notion that "all men have committed sexual harm" is prevalent throughout the series and one I myself have grown to believe. With my now, adult language and understanding of consent, this series just amplifies how easy it is to be a perpetrator and not know, or own their activity as such.
SUBSCRIBE TO THE MS. VIXEN NEWSLETTER!
We must dismantle the ideas patriarchy and white supremacy have embedded in our heads about rape, consent, and agency. This must be done within ourselves and the communities we live in. These structures of blurred lines and confusing understandings of these concepts that manifest in our lives in very real, concrete ways are not by accident. Rape has been a tool used for thousands of years to shake up societal norms and systems throughout the history of the world. Also, since all forms of sexual assault or harassment are not things that can be punitively measured or named a crime; this has allowed perpetrators of these acts to keep committing them. Continuously exonerating perpetrators of these acts by law, and by the populous as a whole, these folks are free and in the clear to harm someone else.
Perhaps, what is being poked at is how normal rape is. The current climate of accountability for perpetrators and comradery amongst folks sexually harmed has revealed to us how common this is, but it is still very easy for us to distance ourselves from it. We create this distance so we feel safe, and it becomes something that you never have to own even when you openly advocate for it not to exist. Michaela has said fuck all the safety you created around this shit, this is the world we all live in. Are you real about dismantling this shit or nah?
Ripping apart societies' systemic addiction to rape and sexual assault requires a huge reexamining of things woven so deeply in our lives. Those easily identifiable and things we have yet to discover, which makes it difficult to address all the pieces that are necessary to destroy it. What I'm learning by watching this series is we must look this stuff in the face and own it. Own that we know and love abusers, own that we excuse abusers and learn the ways we have backed survivors into tight corners suffocating their experiences, in an ill attempt to take away the existence of sexual harm, yet instead, we trample survivors until they are carnage.
Whether it’s a conscious decision or not we have tried very hard to separate ourselves from survivors. We know its wrong, but survivors are still sullied and we subconsciously discard them cause it makes us feel safe. We want to be the special person who had so much agency she (they) was never manipulated by a perpetrators' words. We want to pretend we will always react with a fight, and that by tiptoeing through life with heightened care we will remain safe. We act as if we always had a sound understanding of consent, and that “victimhood” will never be us. We still sensationalize sexual harm in ways that none of us fully admit because, in the end, you're happy it wasn't you. None of us want to be her, but all of us are her, and that’s the shit that destroys you.
What thoughts and feelings arise as you watch I May Destroy You, let me know in the comments below!
SUPPORT MS. VIXEN!
We’re here to deliver incisive, witty, lit womanist perspectives on pop culture, media, and politics, things usually stolen from us for the mainstream to profit off of. Knowing this, we’re not compromising when it comes to how we’re funded. We believe that our financial and editorial independence are intrinsically tied, and any media outlet that denies the connection is lying to you and itself. Down with that, click the link below for options to support Ms. Vixen.